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Mistakes Parents Made with Their Children through Their Adolescence Years

Mistakes Parents Made with Their Children through Their Adolescence Years

Parents, have you ever made mistakes with your children and wished you had handled the situations differently? I personally don’t know of a single parent that hasn’t made mistakes with their children.  I have counseled parents that deliberately hurt their children because of their own negative experiences during childhood. One thing I do know is that you can’t take back the mistakes but you can learn from them and make better choices in the future.  I encourage mothers and fathers to avoid making mistakes that will damage your children emotionally for the rest of their lives. The core foundations of families in society are broken such as in the development of the emotional, educational, physical and spiritual needs of the children.

During a life skills workshop, I had a fantastic dialog with mothers and fathers relative the mistakes they made with their children. I ask the parents what mistakes you made raising your children. I hope you enjoy reading their responses listed below.

What mistakes have you made raising your children?

Mary’s Mistakes

“I did not listen enough when they were trying to tell me something and there was not sufficient communication with my children. I yelled back at them when they were yelling at me and I did not follow through with discipline. I said many negative things in arguments we had. I did not give my youngsters enough attention when they needed it most. I did not praise them enough on their accomplishments. I put some of my own needs before theirs. I said negative things about their father a few times to the children, and I did n0t set boundaries. I did not build a great family relationship. I did not keep them in sports so they were not out in the streets which would have stopped them from getting into trouble. There was not enough trust and love toward my children.”

Val’s Mistakes

“I let my teenage son always get what he wants. I would bribe him with money. I let him miss school when he wanted to. I never really sat down and talked to my son. I never gave him a chance to let me know how he felt. I used to choose my friends and partying over my son. I would put my girlfriend before him”

Sally’s Mistakes

“I did not give my youngsters rules as they got older. I yelled first and had guilt afterward. I tried to be their friend instead of their parent. I gave in often after I punished in quilt. I yelled a lot to get my point across then I just forgot about the situation.”

Susana’s Mistakes

“As a single parent, I gave and gave instead of them earning or working for things. I feel things would have been better if I had set more boundaries. As a single parent, I had so many grounds to cover as a mom and dad. I was their mother and father. They are older now and not really respecting my struggles and responsibility as a concerned mother. I can’t hold their hands and walk them through life, and they have to do their part; such as school, getting a job, and move out on their own, and live a life of love.”

Rosesetta’s Mistakes

“I was not there all the time for my children. I did not listen to them more about their feelings. I didn’t show them the right and the wrong way. I should have been more responsible. I said the wrong thing too much and I did not do enough discipline with my children.”

Angelica’s Mistakes

“Some mistakes I made were not listening and I sometimes say things off the handle instead of listening. I sometimes say things out of anger which sometimes hurt as bad as being shot. I spoiled my kids to the point that my daughter thinks every pair of Jordan’s shoes that come out she should get them. I think I let my son get away with too much which makes my daughter think it is okay to do. When I put my kids on punishment they should stick to it. But I let them off punishment early which made the youngsters think mom is mad today but I can leave tomorrow. I talked bad things about the kids’ father when frustrated and the kids heard it. Sometimes, I lose my temper and just acted in a way my kids should not see. So what I am saying is that what I do is a prime example of what my kids do. But I will never give up and will change with the help of God.”

Brandon’s Mistakes

“I have been distance, selfish and wrapped up in my own personal problems”

“I have not paid sufficient attention to them and taken their concerns seriously. I have been distance, selfish and wrapped up in my own personal problems. I have not shown enough love to my children nor told them enough. I forgot promises made and did not follow through with the obligations. I have not spent enough time with them nor been involved with their lives. I fought with their mother over unimportant things. I have not financially supportive my children enough. I have pushed them for the bad things but I have not’ praised them enough for the good things my children do.”

Mark’s Mistakes

“I gave my children too much and I let them do things after we said no. I spoiled my children and yelled at them too much. I got angry at some of the silly things. Not talking to grandparents about what we do and do not want our children to have. Not listening to spouse when making decisions because of different points of view. Not being aware of who my children are socializing with. Not discussing situation with my spouse before either one sets punishment and spouse not being on the same page.”

You have read about the mistakes parents made with their children. I am hopeful you will seriously look at the dynamics of your family. Perhaps there are some changes you need to make in your household with your children. Here are 20 steps parents can use to avoid making damaging mistakes with your youngsters.

  1. Spend time with your children
  2. Stop what you are doing and listen to your children when they are trying to tell you something
  3. Follow through when disciplining your youngsters
  4. Praise your children sufficiently on their accomplishments
  5. Avoid saying negative things to your children during conflict
  6. Don’t’ talk negatively to your children about mother or father
  7. Model the right way you want your children to live
  8. Give your children rules and boundaries
  9. Know who your children spent time with
  10. Avoid losing your temper in front of your children
  11. Don’t forget the promises you made to your youngsters
  12. Take your children concerns seriously
  13. Get your children counseling if needed
  14. Follow through on your obligation for your adolescences
  15. Work together with spouse when disciplining your children
  16. Avoid saying the wrong things too much
  17. Support the family financially
  18. Inform grandparents the thing you prefer them not to give to your children
  19. Avoid spoiling your children too much
  20. Do not be your children friend but instead be the parent

Finally, you can not control your children but you must give them the skills needed to make the right choices when they are not around you. When you make a mistake with your children, please apologize and ask them to forgive you.  You have the power and the ability to invest wisely in your children’ lives.

Written by:  Billy J. Strawter, Sr

© EnviCare Consulting Inc.                          All Rights Reserved

Changes Mothers Need to Make to Improve Relationship with Teenagers

Changes Mothers Need to Make to Improve Relationship with Teenagers

Recently, I wrote an article regarding changes teenagers needed of their father to improve relationship. I thought it would also be interesting to evaluate how teenagers felt about their relationship with their mothers. Mothers are the greatest asset to the family.  I appreciate them greatly because moms bring a wealth of commitment, care and love to the family. Their energy fosters the right kind of family foundation. Every family needs emotional stability in the home. It’s amazing how many mothers multitask for the survival of the family.  Listed below are teenagers’ responses to the following questions:

What changes your mother needs to make to improve her relationship with you?

Sarah’s Responses:

“She needs to get better control of her emotions; I don’t think she realizes how her words affect me emotionally. I also think she needs to understand that we are two different people, which means we won’t always see eye to eye. Even though I am her child, she still has to respect my beliefs and opinions as she expects me to respect her.”

Frank’s Response:

“Mom needs to trust me more and try not to bring up the past all the time”

 Vivian’s Response

“Talk to me instead of yelling

 Doug’s Responses:

“Mom needs to get a job, car and house so that I can live with her part time without going to grandmother. She needs to go tell the court she needs visitation.”

 Tara’s Response:

“I wish mom won’t be so pushy on me. I want mom to be understanding about what I want to do.”

 Quanta’s Responses:

“I wish mother would talk stuff out instead of yelling. Don’t always put her husband over her kids, and I need mom to be there when I need her.

 Raven’s Responses:

“Mom needs to stop yelling so much and believe that sometimes I could be telling the truth. I want mom to stop assuming I am not telling the truth.”

 Cass’s Responses:

“I wish mom would let me enjoy my teen years instead of trying to have me to do and be what she wants me to be. Let me learn from my own mistakes. Mom needs to listen and believe me.”

 Kaila’s Responses:

My mother needs to change a lot. She needs to leave her boyfriend, get clean, and stay clean. Stop lying, stop stealing, take care of self and learn to take constructive criticism. I wish mom would go to rehab and just get better.

 Linda’s Responses:

“I want my mother to trust me more and I want to share anything with my mom. Sometimes, I feel like I can talk to my grandmother about anything before I can talk to my mother. Sometimes I am scared to talk to her so I just leave it to myself. I want to be able to go to places without her thinking I am doing something wrong. All I want is that my mother’s trust me.

 Peter’s Responses:

“My mom needs to work on her temper that she has with me. She needs to stop putting herself first.

 Ashley’s Responses:

“My mother needs to start a trustworthy relationship with me. Mom needs to change her attitude with me. Mom needs to understand I am me and no one else; she needs to improve her attitude and confidence in me and my brother. I never understood why she gets angry towards me after dad left. A lot of things start happening.”

 Haley’s Responses:

“To improve our relationship my mom needs to communicate with me more and try to show me she cares about our relationship. It would also help if she won’t yell as much. If she showed me she could stop yelling, it would help our relationship get better.”

 Sally’s Responses:

“My mom can’t really do anything to improve our relationship. The only thing we need is trust. It’s my fault we don’t have a trusting relationship but only time will improve our relationship.”

 Gray’s Responses:

“I wish my mom would stop going alone with what her boyfriend tells her and stop yelling at me without reason. I need her help once and a while and to have a day where only I and mom can have time together.”

 Tricia’s Responses:

“I wish my mother would stop drinking and stop calling me names. I want mom to be nicer to my little sister and brother, stop sleeping with other guys, stop buying and giving to minors and be a good mom that will listen to me.

 Other Teenagers Responses

  • I wish my mom wouldn’t pick an argument with me
  • Let me do more, trust me and don’t always argue
  • Nothing because we already have a really good relationship
  • My mother needs to be happier. It seems like she’s always mad with me
  • Mom needs to learn to control her anger even if I am the only target in the house
  • Mom needs to stop yelling at me when I’m not doing anything to get yelled at
  • My mother needs to listen to my side of the story instead of jumping to conclusion
  • I wish my mom would ask me nicely to do things instead of automatically get an attitude
  • My mother needs to think things through before she reacts and she needs to stop overreacting to the little things
  • My mom and I have a good relationship and no changes are needed
  • Mother needs to listen more and stop thinking she knows everything all the time
  • I wish mom would get me help when I need it

 Advice for Parents

There are so many factors that contribute to a great or poor relationship with teenagers. The information contained in this article is designed to give parents insight on how some teens feel about their mother. Mothers throughout the world are faced with many challenges raising children and especially when they become adolescents. Every parent should put their children first but don’t forget to stay healthy by exercising, eating healthy foods and spending time to yourself for relaxation. Please utilize trusted family members or friends to help you through the challenges you are facing with your youngsters. Listed below are simple recommendations on building a better relationship with your teenagers:

  1. Spend personal time with your teens
  2. Stop yelling at your children
  3. Listen with your heart
  4. Stop overreacting to teens negative behavior
  5. Think before you overreact
  6. Don’t believe you are always right
  7. Avoid valuing your boyfriend over your children
  8. Stop substance abuse
  9. Minimize getting an attitude and being angry
  10. Let the adolescents know you love them unconditionally
  11. Allow your youngsters to build trust
  12. Allow them to make some mistakes and help the teenagers work through the mistakes
  13. Show confidence in your children
  14. Don’t be angry with your children if you are going through a divorce or if your husband left you
  15. Don’t expect teenagers to be like someone else. Let your teens be themselves
  16. Accept constructive criticism from your children
  17. Avoid using of cruse words
  18. Do not emotionally scare your children
  19. Build a great relationship with your teenagers
  20. Encourage them often instead of calling them bad names
  21. Communicate with respect to your teens
  22. Eat dinner together and attend religious service with your children
  23. Give your teenagers help when needed
  24. Don’t’ always think your teenagers are doing something wrong
  25. Know where your teens  are on the weekend and who they hangout with

Mothers, you have tremendous influential power over your children. I encourage all moms to build a dynamic and un-destructible relationship with their teenagers. Children are an extension of you and sometimes you can see you in them. It’s fantastic to understand that regardless of the negative circumstances you face in life, you have a big heart to deal with it. Time will always heal a broken relationship but it takes a lot of forgiveness. Please listen and understand your teenagers. I hope God will give you the strength and the desire to maintain, improve and endure your relationship with your teenager, persevere.

Written by: Billy J. Strawter, Sr.

 © 2012 EnviCare Consulting, Inc.         All Rights Reserved

I Immediately Blew it As a Mother and Wife!

Angel’s Testimonial is about missing an opportunity to listen to God during a difficult situation in the home.

Angel’s Testimonial:

“Lord, may the beauty of your Spirit be so evident in me that I will be a godly role model. Give me the communication, teaching, and nurturing skills that I must have. Make me the parent you want me to be and teach me how to pray and truly intercede for the life of this child.”

This was the first thing that I read this morning as I poured coffee and turned my daily “Power of A Praying Parent” flip chart conveniently located next to the lava maker.  I immediately blew it. I was impatient, short-tempered, and irritated with my daughter as she was getting ready for school.  It was her Valentine’s Day party, no less, and what a shining example of love I was showing! Surely God would understand that I was grumpy, tired, and clearly not in the mood to listen to Him this early in the morning.

“I am a very slow learner. God was speaking so clearly this morning and I almost missed it.”

So, God tried again. One of my dear Facebook friends posted this quote as her status….“Love is always bestowed as a gift―freely, willingly, and without expectation. We don’t love to be loved; we love to love.”

Once again, I decided that I really did not want to hear that! Especially since the person who penned that quote did not live with my husband.  Two for two already and the day had just begun.  But God was not willing to give up on me entirely; He persisted in trying to reach me. My usual morning radio show focused on Ephesians 5, specifically verses 22 and 23. “Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The Husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing.” Grrr…really? I need to love and submit even when I am not feeling supported and cherished?

Another dear Facebook friend posted that her husband was unable to make it home from a business trip as expected.  She was clearly disappointed. My husband works all day about 15 feet away from me, and I am complaining about it?

I am a very slow learner. God was speaking to me so clearly this morning and I almost missed it. Through friends, radio, flip charts, my family, and His persistence, I was finally able to realize His plans. I am so grateful for His grace and mercy on me. I am so imperfect and unworthy of it, but He still pours grace and mercy upon me because He loves me. I am in awe of that…He loves me!

To my daughter, Debbie, I apologized to her on the way to school.  She accepted, but I was feeling somewhat defeated and guilty, which maybe was God’s way of bringing me to my knees.  To my husband, James, I simply was quiet instead of pressing him to talk to me.  We had no real issue that day, simply the stresses of life, which can make or break a day. I just stepped back, and James responded accordingly by being loving. 

Look around today and open your eyes to what God is saying to you. He speaks to us all day, every day but we miss most of it due to the clutter in our minds and hearts.  Don’t miss it today.

Comments

How many of you can identify with Angel’s story?  Every mother, at some point, has blown an opportunity to properly relate to their daughter or husband.  Angel’s story is very powerful because she recognized a missed opportunity to respond to her family in God’s way. Because of her situations, Angel didn’t wish to hear those three, small still voices that came from God through others.

However, Angel reflected on the information received through the devotion as well as information from Facebook and the radio show.  It is remarkable that Angel concluded that God was clearly speaking to her that morning on three separate occasions.  It took God three times to get Angel’s attention, but the moral of the story is that she finally listened. God always patiently waits on us to hear His voice. He is a God of second chances or many chances.

Mothers, listen to those small, still voices God sends your way.  God is capable of using anything to get your attention when you are making wrong choices! Never let being impatient, short-temper, or irritated hinder your relationship with your daughter, son or husband.  It’s never easy, but you have the will power through God to deal with your situations.

Do everything you can to build a strong relationship with your daughter, son and husband.  Life is short on this earth, but remember that we have an eternity with God!  When your daughter becomes a teenager, it’s absolutely critical that you have established a fantastic relationship with her.  Model the behavior you want your daughter or son to pass on to their family when those wedding bells ring and grandchildren come.

Make sure you apologize to your son, daughter or husband when you have treated them wrongly.  Most times, they will be understanding because of their love for you.  Remember, you are not alone in your struggles.  Mothers are the heart of the family’s foundation.  Mothers, you deserve all the praises in the world for the many sacrifices you make to develop a great family!!

It’s fitting to end this article with Angel’s quote. “Look around you today and open your eyes to what God is saying to you.  He speaks to us all day, every day but we miss most of it due to the clutter in our minds and hearts. Don’t miss it today”

Recommended Article to read: How to Build  RELATIONSHIP with Your Child

Written by Mr. Wisdom

(c) 2010 EnviCare Consulting, Inc.

How to Build Relationship With Your Child?

Parenting is very challenging because each child has their own unique needs. The best approach to meeting the needs of each child is to build a relationship with them from the time they are born until they leave this world. You should always consider how your actions will negatively or positively impact the development of the relationship. Here are 12 steps every parent should consider in building a relationship with their child.


Step 1 Respect: Every parent should Respect their children in front of others regardless of their behavior. This will teach them how to respect you and others. Avoid trying to embarrass them in front of others in an attempt to change the negative behavior. It might work for the short term but long term it will backfire.

Step 2 Effort: It will take great Effort to understand your child especially when they are making wrong choices. When a child makes a wrong choice, take the time to talk with the child to verify why the choice was made. Don’t accept “I don’t know” but avoid getting angry because the door of communication must remain open. They will tell you the reasons for their decision,when they are ready, if the relationship is healthy.

Step 3 Love: When you child goes to bed or wakes up or comes home or telephone or e-mail you, tell them you Love them. Always give them a hug which will help them to relate to you and others. Avoid the trap of giving things to them to show your love. When you say the word, “I love you”, it’s more powerful. It’s sad to hear a child say my parents never tell me they love me. If you grow up in a home where your parents didn’t show love, you must not pass it on to your offspring. You have the power to change it.

Step 4 Affirmation: Every child has the desire to receive Affirmation from their parents about the wonderful things they are doing. Praise your child for the small things as well as the large things they do well. When they make a wrong choice, parents make a big deal of it. Yet parents don’t do the same for the right choices a child make. It’s not always about the great things a child does but it’s about the small things that will lead to great things.

Step 5 Trust: This one is very challenging for most parents. Most parents believe their child will make the right choice when they are around others. The big problem comes when the child violates the Trust. When your child has violated your trust, never attack their character but let them know you are disappointed in their actions. When you are angry with your child’s behavior, communicate your feelings with respect .Let the child know what is required to regain the trust. Make sure you discipline them for violating the trust out of love and don’t go overboard. The discipline should be based on current actions and should not be used as a dumping ground for previous behaviors.

Step 6 Inside: To build a strong relationship with your child, you need to know what is going on Inside of the child’s heart. In order to know your children, you need to spend time with each child collectively and individually. Breakfast, family dinner and church are great avenues to develop relationships. However, individual time spent with each child will give you an opportunity to build a deeper relationship. Every child’s heart is important. A healthy inside is developed by investing valuable time with your child.

Step 7 Opportunity: Avoid missing an Opportunity to support your child’s activities such as drama, field trips and sports. Do everything within your power to support your child. You also want to avoid getting too busy with activities which will drain you and the child. When you become too busy, your attitude might become unpleasant which could lead to damaging the relationship with your child. You must understand your limitation as well as your child’s.

Step 8 Nice: You must show you child the importance of being Nice by modeling the behavior. When your child is around you, they are observing every things you do. For example, have you ever looked at your child gestures or manners and they reminded you of you. Your child is observing how you treat others. You will never be a perfect parent, but should desire to instill great moral values in your child’s life. If you feel you have failed your child, let go of those feelings, start over again by investing wisely in your child’s life.

Step 9 Survive: With all the power you have within your being, never give up loving your child regardless of the wrong choices made. You want your relationship with your child to Survive. As a parent, you are training your child to be great citizens in this world. There are times when life is a struggle, and hopelessness as well as despair will overwhelm you. Don’t give up but teach your child how to survive with a caring heart and compassionate heart.

Step 10: Honesty: Model to your child how important Honesty is in a relationship. This will grant them greater success in life. You will have great reasons to rejoice in their success. When you see your child being dishonest, confront them right away with love. Make sure you have all your facts prior to discussing the issue. Ask the child about a different choice that could have been made?

Step 11 Intelligence: Use your Intelligence to deal with your child’s negative and positive behavior. Utilize various strategies to listen, understand and communicate to your child with wisdom. If you are experiencing problems with relationships within your family, don’t hesitate to get involved in a life skills workshop and/or parents support group. You are not alone; there are many parents who are in the same position. You have the power to make a difference.

Step 12 Prayer/Personal/Persevere: If you believe in Prayer, you should pray often for your child and family. God wants you to take Personal responsibility to train your child because the family is the heart of society. When the family foundation crumbles so will society. Your must Persevere when you are down and up. Don’t allow life’s problems hinder you from maintaining a fantastic relationship with your child or family. Be encouraged as you apply these twelve steps in developing a greater relationship with your child.

Mr. Wisdom

(c) 2009 EnviCare Consulting, Inc.